gold digger

My mother jokes across the dining table, the room cramped with familiar faces

“I knew when India fell in love with Gold Digger we were in trouble,” she says with a slight giggle in her breath

Because years later it is funny, the intensity I felt for that song

And it wasn’t the catchy beat or Kanye’s swagger

But the girls in the video

I envied them

Their curvy bodies and luminous lip-glossed lips

My small adolescent brain and build differed so from the images

They were the objects of male desire, something to strive for and I was flat chested 

Short chopped brown hair, no make-up

Boring in every sense of the word, no luminosity

So I strived to please men, wasted years of my youth desiring their affection

I gave myself away piece by piece in hope of finding just a glimmer of gold